I felt like the worst parent...

Even though I know I am not, and even though sometimes things happen and I have no control over them. I only felt that way for a second but it was enough. I love my boys more than anything (besides my husband) in the world and hate when I can’t protect them from even the smallest of things. We were heading to view many pieces of artwork at the Grand Rapids Artprize. An art show where over 1200 artists find venues in the area to display their work. It’s pretty amazing. We were getting our stroller out of the van, loading up the stroller and getting warmer jackets on for the 50 degree weather. Brody has been walking for almost a month now, but he’s gotten really good at walking this past week. It took him a while to walk in pants because he learned most of his steps in the summer. He spent half the summer in shorts, the other half he was either in a diaper or naked, which seems to happen a lot around here. He conquered the pants but still has to learn how to walk in real shoes. Those little leather, slipper-like shoes is what he has been wearing. Any little thing can throw Brody off balance. I wonder why I didn't think anything of putting a giant, padded winter coat on him. I forget that even though I am a mother of four, sometimes things still seem brand new to me too!

Five minutes into our adventure and Brody's face met the concrete. The jacket added so much more weight, Brody couldn't lift his hands to break his fall.  All we heard was a thud and then tears! He instantly had a huge egg on his forhead and a scrape on and under his eye. I scooped him up in my arms and ran him to the first building I could see that might have an icepack. I was frustrated with myself, but since Kyle was standing next to him I felt an urge to blame him. I held my tongue. I think I gave him a frustrated look, but it was absolutely not his fault. When something breaks my heart, my first reaction is to want to blame someone else. I am glad God forgives even little things that go on inside of me that no one else sees. He's the best of all fathers!

 I ran to the Children's Museum. They felt so bad for Brody and ran and got him an icepack, all along commenting on how tough Brody was for not even crying one time while we were there. We are members there so we stayed a while.  Brody didn’t like the ice pack, but I don't really know one kid that does. He has a pretty good “boo boo” to show for his adventure in the medium city of Grand Rapids.

The rest of the day was great! Being in downtown when so much is going on is lots of fun. All the people created lots of energy. So many things to look at! Kyle commented on how many of his Minnesota friends would love Artprize, and how a few would be good contenders. Sawyer and Brody were snuggled in their stroller taking all the different pieces of art into their little minds. With all the venues to look at they were mostly excited about the tractors, trucks and buses that passed by on the streets. Oh, and the river! Sawyer loved seeing the river.  

We got the best deal for lunch at Quiznos- we think anyway! All four of us had meals, four drinks, chips, cookies…all for 13 bucks! Gotta love any place where kids eat free!

After lunch we saw more exhibits. We even got to go to the Public Museum. Kyle and I had our wedding reception there just over 3 years ago. We walked around and let the boys ride the caraousel just like we did the night of our wedding. They smiled many smiles going up and down. Sawyer dimples are such a joy to me. I stared at him and told myself to remember this moment while he is so happy just riding a wooden horse. We told them how the last time we rode that caraousel we had just gotten married. They were too young to really understand, but it was still fun for us to tell them. I'm sure someday they will get sick of hearing that story, but I won't ever be tired of telling them. :)



Brody doesn't like to sit still, so he's waiting for it to move :)






Love those dimples. Sawyer's smile is wonderful when it's real.

 

Finally we got to walk across the bridge and under the bridge, all so we could be closer to the river. Sawyer's one request when we told him we were going downtown. We took lots of pictures!



Still working on the posed smile. See what I mean about his real vs. fake smile?



We got to see so many different pieces of work while we were down looking around. Here are a few of the many we saw.



A giant penny made out of 80,000 actual pennies.





There were pianos set up all over, decorated differently, for enjoyment to those who wanted to play




Amazing that this is made from airsoft gun pellets.



The time we spent there was fun however, we were ready to leave after a few hours.  On our way home the boys got a quick nap, but we woke them up as soon as we got home so that they would have an early bed time. As much as we love our children, we really enjoy having a night, every once and a while, to spend together watching movies, without interruption.

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Tomorrow we get to worship at church. Kyle is playing and I am singing. We love being a part of our church. Football is in the afternoon where we are expecting the Vikings to crush the Detroit Lions. Monday I get my HCG levels checked again. Praying they keep dropping quickly! When they are fewer than 5 we can start actively trying again! We are ready to begin that journey again!

He Made Me a Mommy





  

September 22, 1998 my water broke early in the morning and I gave birth to my first born, Grant. I was only 20 years old. I had never experienced such joy and love. He was perfect in every way.

He made me a mommy. He made my parents grandparents (Mimi and Boppa) and he made my sisters aunts. He has taught me so much in his 12 years. He taught me how to laugh at all the little things, how to have purpose in the life I was living, how to be a mother. Mostly, he taught me how to love, a love beyond any measure. I did not know how much it would change my life. Had I known, it would have probably scared me in a wonderful way. No one could have explained how I would instantly love him when I first held him in my arms or how I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night because I would check on him every five minutes to make sure he was breathing. I marveled at every first he had and cried at some of his lasts.

Grant’s first girlfriend was Snow White J. He said he was going to marry her. That still makes me smile. When he met his first babysitter it was the first time I had heard him talk about maybe marrying someone else. She lived in our neighborhood and one day he decided he might see her if he went to the neighborhood park. I could see him out my kitchen window. It was really cold and we had just moved from Florida to Michigan. He had his teenage mutant ninja turtle plastic nun chucks with him and he practiced moves while he waited. Finally I saw him making his way home. He walked in the door and tears were streaming down his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I never saw her, I got my nun chucks stuck up in the tree, and this white stuff keeps hitting me in the head”. It had started to snow and he hadn’t experienced Michigan winters yet. I smiled and hugged him and wanted to hold onto that sweet moment forever.

Grant has a wonderful sense of humor. As he gets older I have to remind him what is appropriate and what isn’t, even though he already knows. He loves to tell stories and sometimes he embellishes them a little. He also loves to embarrass me and he will whenever he can. One day, when Grant was about 7, we were walking downtown and we had just gotten ice cream. I remember thinking it was a perfect day. I had a sun dress on and the boys were walking behind me slowly licking their cones when a strong wind came and blew my dress up in the back. I quickly pushed the back down and the front blew up. I was screaming and finally leaned up against the building until all the cars passed and the wind died down. Grant and Pierce were laughing so hard. That was the only enjoyment I could get out of the whole experience. Grant proceeded to tell that story to every single person we met, within the first two seconds of meeting them, for years.

Some of the hardest times I went through, Grant held my hand. One day I remember sitting at dinner with him and I started crying. He said “Mommy, everything is going to be all right because God will take care of you”. That was one of the proudest moments I had experienced with him. I must have done something right to have taught him that and now he was reminding me at a time when I needed to hear it most. He was so right!  Grant has grown a lot in his faith in the past few years. We talk about how important it is to pray about everything and even talk about praying where God wants him for college. Ugh! I can’t even think about how quickly that will be here.

When I was engaged to Kyle, Grant wanted to be involved in as many wedding plans as I would let him. They were excited for me to marry into Kyle’s family, and to gain two dogs (Uncles Kip and Fridley) added to the excitement. They love their Papa Randy and Grandma Shelley, Aunt Lindsay (who Grant had a crush on when he first met her) and Uncle Brad, and the many other aunts, uncles, and cousins. Love took us all in when the Hoff family adopted us!

He is a wonderful big brother. He loves his brothers and he takes very good care of them. He fights a lot with Pierce (10) but he is the first to defend him in many situations. He plays games with Sawyer (2) and takes him on walks. Brody (1) loves when Grant babysits him and gives him baths. He’s not always excited to help out with them, and he certainly does not have any interest in changing diapers, but he demonstrates how much he loves all three of his brothers often and every day.

When he had his first day of kindergarten I remember fighting back tears, as many moms do. Now he is in junior high and I find myself still fighting tears when the first day of school comes around. He has a big heart and loves to give. I could not be prouder of my not so little boy.

Grant,

Thank you for all you do! I love you more than you could ever imagine. Someday you'll drive by the house of the girl/boy your children like and honk your horn too, just like my mom did to embarrass me. I'm so glad God gave me you as my first born. I hope you dance...just kidding, that would be really cheesy if I were serious. Hope you have a wonderful Happy Birthday!!

Love, Mom

God has you where he wants you

The best words I have heard all day “God has you where he wants you”. Honestly, I have had such a mix of emotions today. Excitement, sadness, peace, unsettled, giddy, frustrated, and loved…all these things I have felt at least once today. And it is not just because the Vikings lost again today, although, don’t get me wrong, that did bother me. I’m beginning to wonder why I decided to become a fan of my favorite team. I’m sure some of my rollercoaster of emotions has to do with my hormones still returning after my miscarriage not even two weeks ago. Feeling loved today had much to do with my wonderful friends and lovely neighbors, starting out at church, continued with a football get-together and ending with friends for dinner, kids in the tub, and a movie.



Sadness was felt when I thought of not being pregnant anymore and while I was putting make-up on I held my mascara in my hand for five minutes before I put it on. I was too afraid that once I put it on, the tears I could feel welling up behind my eyes would pour out and leave black streaks down my face. Surprisingly, I really hadn’t thought about it a lot the past couple days but I sure was at this point.

I was giddy and excited, practically skipping around a house today that might be put up for sale, dreaming of my friend moving in and how we could see each other whenever we wanted or trade off cooking for each other’s families…oh that would be fun, but God would have to do a lot to work that out.

Peace was felt when I read Zephaniah 3:17 “ For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs”. Oh to be reminded that God will take delight in me and will calm all my fears! How could that not bring me peace?

Then several hours later being unsettled and frustrated set in and I am not even sure why, but I could feel it in my chest. Fighting to remind myself that God’s timing is perfect and he loves me more than enough that he will allow my heart to hurt because he has something better for me, but I was losing the fight. I sat at my dinner table chair with my knees tucked up under my neck and sighed a big disheartened sigh. My husband looked at me and I started saying stuff like “I know God…but why” or “I just don’t understand how…” Sometimes I am so much better at fighting this and my heart is more guarded, but tonight I let the enemy take a couple shots at me. This is when my husband said “That’s the enemy. Don’t let him do that. The reason he is doing that is because God has you right where he wants you. He has a plan for us and we are being obedient. We are right where God wants us”. WOW! That’s all I needed to hear. I felt a weight lifted off me. I felt so encouraged and alive again! God has a plan for me! I have a relationship with God and he cares for me! That’s cool! I feel loved all over again today!

Sugar Packet



Brody Tanner
1 year



On September 7, a year ago my sweet little Brody entered our lives. He came exactly three weeks early and has been the sweetest little boy since that very day. When we found out I was pregnant with him we were surprised but so thrilled. My husband wrote a song before he met me and it’s my favorite one. It’s called “Sugar Packet”. Some of the lyrics are “My sugar packet leaves my situation sweet. I’ll take two sprinkles please, relieves my misery”. Brody is my little sugar packet. He makes my life so much sweeter. When I’m having a bad day I snuggle up next to him and kiss his extra long eyelashes. It’s like two shakes of sweetness sprinkled on my day. Shortly after he was born a little red mark appeared near his right eyebrow. It grew quickly and we discovered it was a hemangioma.



2 weeks

He also had a larger one on his ankle. It’s a birthmark, but it doesn’t stay around forever. Because of its position and how rapidly it was growing, we were sent to a plastic surgeon and pediatric oncologist. A hemangioma is a tumor consistent of a cluster of blood vessels, most of the time raised up off the skin. It started to grow toward his eye so he had an MRI to rule out growth on the brain and behind the eye. Thankfully it was all superficial and he was able to have two laser surgeries. After the first surgery his ankle was back to normal. 

2 months



The one on his eye is starting to change color which means it is starting to regress. As his parents, we don’t even see it anymore. It is part of who he is. We will definitely be glad when it is gone but mostly because of the comments and looks he receives. He doesn’t notice them now and certainly doesn’t care, but if it is still there when he starts to school he probably will. It doesn’t bother me when people ask questions or stare at him for a bit. We expect that, especially with children, but there have been some adults who are either uneducated or just plain rude.


7 months

 One of my dad’s best friends took his first look at Brody asked what it was then said “well, it’s ugly…but at least it goes away!” I didn’t even know what to say. I was shocked that he would say that about my precious little baby. How could he see Brody’s beautiful smile and big brown eyes complimented by his magnificent eyelashes if he couldn’t even see past the mark on his face? One boy who was about 8 or 9 came up and said very loudly “Ooooh! What is that? It’s nasty!”. 

10 months

It makes me wonder if others only see that as well, but then I remember that God doesn’t make mistakes. He created my child perfectly for us. He created Brody exactly the way he intended, hemangioma and all. And we praise God for doing such a wonderful job! 



And So It Begins...

August 15, 2010

Here I am, writing my first blog. I don’t think I ever thought I would write a blog. My twin sister has one and she does it well, so that seemed good enough for me. I would live vicariously through her blog posts. Then I realized I had things I wanted to write. I don’t know if anyone will even care to read my opinions or what is going on in my life. I am sure I won’t write as eloquently as my sister. However, my story is my own and I’ve decided to share the little bit there is to share.

I start off by saying I am happy. I have a beautiful family and a husband who loves me. Although I never thought I would be the mother to four wonderful, energetic boys (in fact, I thought I would surely end up with all girls as my mother had…thank goodness God is in control and knows what I can handle) I love my life. Sometimes it is overwhelming and there are times I take a shower just so I can have a break from everyone, but I truly feel so blessed.

Here are my boys! They are my heart! This week my two oldest are at camp for the first time. There is a website we can go to for pictures they are posting, but I have only seen one of my kids from a distance. I tried to look at his face thinking that would somehow tell me if he was having a good time. Though some pictures speak a thousand words, these pictures only left me wondering if they needed me to tuck them in at night, or if they had showered and brushed their teeth. So many firsts this year for them and time is flying by as it tends to do. Grant starts Jr. High in just a few weeks! Orientation is already next week. I think he is more ready for it than I am. Reading the information packet I gasped. It speaks of kids being suspended for drugs and alcohol- not yet! I am not ready for my kids to be exposed to all of those things yet. Thankfully I have given my children to the Lord. That doesn’t mean I won’t worry, but I sure will try hard to put all my trust in God and know that He is a much better protector than I am.

September 14, 2010

When I first started this blog, almost a whole month ago, I was going to post it as soon as I could announce our newest pregnancy. I thought it would be a great way to start a blog…a new life, one we’d prayed for and planned for, one we were so excited for when we found out about it on our anniversary…I was waiting until we had our ultra-sound so we could see the heart beat and feel safe to announce it. Sadly, when we went in on the 7^th, we found no baby in the sac. We were heartbroken. Our two youngest were with us during the ultra sound, on my youngest first birthday. It might sound funny to be glad to have two toddlers with us, but having my little ones there comforted me through my tears. I am so blessed and I know this. I have reminded myself of all my blessings. Being thankful for the ability to have been able to carry children in my womb did not take my broken heart away for the loss of the child we already planned so much for. The following day I had a D&C. I did pretty well the first couple days, but have cried many times off and on since then. I was 7.5 weeks along. I was nauseous, exhausted and peeing five times a night already. After having four children my stomach popped right back out and I was excited to be showing. Now I am trying to fit back into my clothes. It has yet to be a week so I am sure all that will fall into place.  I am not angry. The past several days I have heard of friend’s pregnancies and seen mothers holding their newborns and I am happy for them. I just can’t help but wonder when we can start trying again, when I will be pregnant again, will everything go well? Before Kyle and I married, I had been told by doctors I may never be able to have more children. I was prepared for that. Kyle was too. A month after we married we were going to talk with the doctor about our options and I was already pregnant with Sawyer! Then Brody came as another surprise while I was actively nursing Sawyer. So blessed by God we are by our little miracles. God has laid it on our hearts to have more children and I pray that is his will for our life. If I ever feel overwhelmed I remember that God will take care of me. He’s shown me so many times that he loves me and cares about every tear I cry.

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for blood work and an ultra sound. I’m taking medicine for five days to help get rid of anything else that may be left over from the D&C and then also medicine for a possible infection. I will be so glad when this is over and I can stop thinking about the past and start thinking about happier thingsJ. My husband has been amazing through all of this. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to him! God is amazing with his timing and his blessings when we are obedient.

Here is us 3 years ago on our wedding day- obviously J. I could not wait to be his wife and every day I love him even more!

So this is my blog! My very first entry and I hope to just share what is on my heart and to share what it’s like to be a mom in a house with all boys. Some days are boring and uneventful but there are definitely enough days with more action than I would probably wish for. It is all a blessing, the good and the bad.